Sunday, April 13, 2008

A Small Revision

Here it is, Sunday again. Seems I am getting into the habit of blogging here only once a week, must try and increase that a bit I think!

I believe Pam or I mentioned a while ago, we have another writing workshop coming up in a couple of weeks. This one will focus on writing and revising, so the timing is very good for us, seeing as we are getting that much nearer to the completion of Madelaine, if not both stories.

As an exercise for the class, we can bring a 1000 word example of our work, so Pam and I decided we would bring a sample from each story, she will focus on Madelaine and I on Body Perfect.

That led to a review of the first few pages of the story. The opening paragraph of Body Perfect is over in the side bar of our blog's front page. Below is what I worked on yesterday, tightening up some scenes and adding a little here and there.


The Porsche was traveling so quickly, he instinctively swerved to miss the bundle tossed from the rear of the speeding van in front of him. Checking his rear view mirror and watching the sack coming to rest at the side of the road, he wondered if it could actually be a body curled up in there, or just a large bag of trash, casually disposed of by an inconsiderate driver? How quickly the mind makes split second decisions. Should he keep driving and dismiss what he had seen, or stop and go back? If it was a body, he would have to call the Portland area authorities and that would mean a delay he could not afford. For if, he was even 30 minutes late, then the long anticipated partnership merger might fizzle to nothing and his business future would take a downward turn.

At this stage in his life, Paul J Barron was an extremely successful business man and he prided himself on his proven ability to think on his feet – making instant business decisions when necessary was his forte. So he could not dismiss what he had seen and knew as he slowed to a stop that his conscience would not let him drive on without investigating.

He dialed into his Blackberry and quickly informed his senior administrative assistant to use all her charm and delaying tactics to hold the Japanese delegation that would soon arrive at his office. The day was overcast and cool but for some curious reason Paul began to sweat. Was it fear of finding a body or, worse case scenario, a dismembered body? His imagination was running overtime.

"Probably just a load of old clothes someone had decided to offload,” laughed Paul shaking his head. This would be a good story for the guys at the club when he played golf on Saturday.

After three years in the Military, Paul had seen his share of dead bodies but this seemed different to him. He swung his car around and made his way back to the unmoving, large lump in the green trash bag. Staying in the car, Paul surveyed his surroundings. “Not one car on the road when I need one”, he thought to himself. To make things even more uncomfortable a soft rain started to fall. Paul stepped out of the car and made his way over to the suspicious mound.
A small branch lying nearby would provide the appropriate tool with which to test the contents through the plastic. “A pair of those disposable gloves would come in handy right about now”, he thought. The first gentle prod yielded a sense of softness within; a little more force and he met with resistance, and a tear in the plastic. There was not enough of an opening to see anything, so with no other alternative, he enlarged the hole. Instinctively, Paul held his breath and prepared to start breathing through his mouth.

“What the…?”

It was a body all right, but definitely not the human kind. Glossy jet-black hair spilled through the opening and it was clearly the crowning glory of an oversized doll. Stooping down to get a closer look, he marveled at the exquisite detail of the fully dressed, life-like creation. Its appearance reminded Paul of a Geisha, with its rich and colourful kimono and ghostly white face. In fact, the doll brought to mind Kimi, a girl he had once met in Japan. Paul began to fold back more of the plastic. He had never seen anything like this, not in all his travels. It seemed to be a unique, hand constructed doll, possibly expensive – but why had it been tossed from that van?

It would certainly make a very special gift once cleaned up a bit, and so Paul scooped up the doll and then got more of a sense of its size. “Must be almost four feet tall!” he thought in amazement, not only at its size, but its eerie similarity to a human body.

Turning back to his car with his new passenger, whom he was already mentally referring to as Kimi, Paul carefully laid the doll in the trunk, as he did not want to have to explain his new companion to the valet at his office building. Now that his breathing was back to normal Paul’s mind switched gears, thinking about the upcoming merger and what it would mean to him should things not go the way he visualized.

The traffic was light and he made good time. His mind on other things, Paul did not notice the silver Volvo slip in behind him as he entered the underground parking lot of his office building on SW Meadows Dr. The vehicle’s windows were tinted black so he would not have seen the two people who were watching his every move. He handed his keys to the valet, made some small talk with the attendant on duty, and then ran towards the elevator.

But, entering the elevator he pushed the button for the lower parking level instead of the topmost floor. He had made the decision to go back to his car and retrieve the doll. His assistant could have a good laugh at his new “girlfriend” and perhaps they could try to figure out where she came from.

His car had been taken to its reserved stall in the lower parking level and as he made his way toward it, he noticed two men approaching his sports car from the direction of the ramp. Not your usual car snatchers, or thugs seen lately and who had committed numerous car heists, especially with premium cars such as his Porsche. These men were wearing very expensive looking suits, but even at first glance, Paul felt threatened by them.

“Never seen these guys before,” thought Paul. They were moving quickly as if they were late, or didn’t want to be detected. Paul had entered the garage unnoticed as they made their way to his Porsche. At that point, the hairs on Paul’s neck were standing up as a wave of adrenaline rushed over him. He had the foresight to duck behind another car as one of the two men momentarily hesitated and began to turn in his direction.



So it will be with some excitment, fear, and trepidation, that Body Perfect come under professional scrutiny!!

Hopefully Pam has recovered from her social activities of last night! I had both my sons and their families drop in for a short visit, which was nice. Some video gaming time spent with 5 year old Michael, and computer time with almost 3 Makenna. And today I am off to a training seminar in Mississauga. As a side line to everything else going on in my life, I am venturing into being a consultant for Beauti-Control skin care products. Part of their initial start up package requires a day long training session and then the balance of the start up kit I ordered will be made available, as well as receiving access to a personalized web-page of my own. This will allow any customers of mine to order directly online. Oh, yes, I will publish a link here - not to miss any opportunities!

And having said that, its time to get off this computer and get ready for the day. I am getting picked up at 7 a.m. to be there for an 8 oclock registration. Hoping to be back home by 4...is that too late in the day for a nap??

Have a good one.

Cheers!

Liz

2 comments:

Inspector said...

Living up to my username, I have inspected both works and must say that you've excelled in your writing. Watching people can be quite entertaining Pamela!

Keep up the good work ladies!!

Liz said...

Thanks, Inspector, for taking the time to post a comment!

Hope you'll be back and become a fan!

Cheers
Liz